SIX TYPES OF FRICTION-FREE RELATIONSHIPS
A couple of unrelated thoughts before we get to this intriguing examination of interpersonal interactions. (As always, there is no extra charge for forced, unwarranted alliteration.)
First, I will remind you that this week - December 21, to be exact - is the astronomical Winter Solstice. On Western calendars, that day will be noted as the First Day of Winter. In China, however, they have a different view of the four seasons. Chinese seasons always begin six weeks ahead of Western seasons. Thus, the First Day of Winter in the West is actually the midpoint of winter in China, their first day of winter officially beginning six weeks ago. Since I am not a big fan of cold weather - Bare toes in public is my standard for good weather. - I will choose the Chinese perspective and see the winter season as being half completed. Another benefit of being an expat is you get to choose which holidays or customs you follow. This means that you will read my complaints about spring allergies in only six more weeks.
The second reflection was inspired by a powerful recent article by Ryan Holiday. (His books are highly recommended.) Ryan wrote about the power of saying NO to anything less than critically important. This means minimizing distractions, temptations, invitations, proposals, questions, responses, and any other activities of lesser importance than your major goals. He points out that each instance of stopping your work to respond to an outside distraction or interruption is actually deferring the opportunity to do something good for a large number of people while you take the time to do something - even something good - on a much smaller scale. For example, Ryan writes that he does not respond to emails or spend time interacting on social media platforms. (This is the same principle espoused by Derek Sivers with his aptly titled book Hell Yeah or No; what’s worth doing. Derek’s books are also highly recommended.)
So, for the remaining weeks of winter, I will go into digital hibernation. Like the fabled groundhog Punxsutawney Phil, I will emerge periodically to publish articles and to give updates on progress about publishing Kon-Tiki 2. I will honor my current weekly publishing commitments. Then I will drop out of sight again. I admit I am not very good at resisting the seduction of internet fluff but, in general, I will be offline. (Regarding Kon-Tiki 2, I am not making any public announcements at this time except to say things are brewing that look very, very promising. I will not offer details but, as a hint, here is the prevailing emotion, “Holy Gutenberg, Batman!”)
Finally, before we get to this week’s homily, let’s take a moment for my weekly plea for alms. Please, if you find any value in these words, take action and make a small-to-generous donation by visiting my Buy Me A Coffee page:
(Someday, I will pay for a class about how to insert that cute little coffee cup icon. But, first, I must fill Chester’s college fund.)
Now, let’s get to the expat-themed topic for this week:
SIX TYPES OF FRICTION-FREE RELATIONSHIPS
Well, maybe not completely friction-free but with greatly reduced instances of miscommunications and boundary disputes. We all encounter the usual relationship minefields of unspoken expectations, mood swings, and flashbacks. Because of cultural differences, this is especially true for the expat. Remind yourself that culture shock can be minimized by expecting surprises and mystery. You don’t know what is coming but it helps greatly to know something is coming. If you are expecting it, it won’t be a surprise, hence no shock.
In expat life or even if you go back home, it is possible to greatly reduce the stress in your relationships. The cardinal principle for avoiding conflict is found in the words - so simple to understand but so hard to implement - YOU HARDLY EVER GET IN TROUBLE FOR THE THINGS YOU DON’T SAY.
For a full treatment of this dictum, I refer you to the chapter in my earlier book The 18th Floor Homestead which begins with this excerpt:
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Do you want a fast and easy way to dramatically simplify your life? Do you want to take an action step that will make huge improvements in your life from the first day? Do you wish you could avoid most problems in the future? Here is a solution that will completely, immediately reinvent your life. Call this Rule One: Stop talking so much.
“What the hell was I thinking?” Take a moment to consider the problems you had in the past and problems you have currently. Did you find yourself muttering, “I wish I hadn’t said that”? If you are like me, those ruminations, often going all the way back to the fourth or fifth grade, result in an involuntary cringe. Many of the biggest problems in our lives originated from something we said. Or our problems became much bigger and more serious because of what we said in response to what someone else said. It was not your actions that caused a little problem to become a big problem; it was the words you spoke.
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Next, let’s visit a recognized master of diplomacy from history, a man so skilled in avoiding spoken missteps that he was appointed a representative of his country in time of war and sent to woo another country to form an alliance. I am referring to Benjamin Franklin. Succinctly, he would have said of relationships: Treat people as you wish to be treated. Treat everyone with respect. Make everyone feel safe and valued. (For inquiring minds, you can find the full chapter in my earlier book It’s That Simple.)
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Okay, let’s explore practical applications of reducing interpersonal conflict. I propose six different modes of conduct; chose one to fit your situation and the temperaments of the parties involved.
1) Imagine I am a welcome guest in your home. As a guest, I should do things your way, not my way. I will be happy to contribute in various areas but it is not my house or my rules. I may not agree with your rules but a courteous guest does not come into someone’s home and tell them their rules are stupid. As an expat, remember this role. In your new country, constantly repeat the mantra: Not wrong, not right; just different. American writer and teacher James Beard wrote of his parents’ contentious marriage. Ultimately, Beard’s mother told her spouse, ”I have bought and furnished a house. You have a home here but it is not your house. You live your life and I will live mine.” Somehow, this oblique relationship managed to survive for five decades, largely because Beard’s father learned not to argue about household rules and procedures. It can work for you, too, in another person’s house or another country.
2) Imagine the converse: You are a welcome guest in my home. I am recalling Hemingway’s posthumous masterpiece Islands in the Stream. In it, Thomas Hudson lives alone on a small island in the Bahamas, enjoying a peaceful, self-disciplined life as an artist. When his three sons arrive to spend their summer holiday with him, his orderly life is completely upended. Rather than lament the chaos, mess, and noise, he reminds himself to enjoy them for the few weeks they will stay before leaving his life again.
Applying this principle: To greatly reduce any friction between you and permanent roommates, imagine you are glad for their company for a brief time. Under such parameters, you would be reluctant to complain about minor issues. Furthermore, if your guests contributed to household maintenance or meal preparation in a manner different from your normal procedures, you would be genuinely grateful. Any differences would be dismissed as harmless, and irritating personal foibles would be tolerated without comment. As Jackie Gleason would have said, “You can think about it… but don’t say it”. Remind yourself that it just doesn’t matter. Rinse and repeat.
For example, the next time my wife and son are discussing his homework in increasingly high decibel levels and approaching a physical exchange, I will resist the temptation to seek a quiet interaction with my favorite Tennessee tranquilizing fluid while I contemplate the plans for writing my magnum opus and the acceptance speech for awards accompanying same. Or maybe I will fantasize living alone. Or imagine the solace of partial deafness. However, following this principle, instead, I will retreat to my den, turn on some soothing music just loud enough to cover the verbal warfare, and try to focus on something I can control since I obviously am not contributing much as an authority figure. As Flounder would have ponderously pontificated, “Women and children! Can’t live with them. Can’t live without them.”
3) Wounded Child Mode: Events from your past, going all the way back to early childhood, have deeply affected your worldview and self-image. There are some past events which are still troubling you to a degree quite beyond the norm. Indeed, it is not unfair to say that you are a wounded child. Accordingly, suspect your responses to situations, even within your closest relationships.
And so are your roommates. They are wounded children, too. Everyone has their personal demons and sensitive areas. Remind yourself that you cannot reason with a crazy person. Do your best to be understanding and supportive. Remember the difference between Compulsions and Obsessions. Then remind yourself that the difference doesn’t really matter. Be tolerant, be patient, and don’t expect certain behaviors to ever change. Reconcile yourself to being grateful for what they bring to the table and don’t ask for more.
4) Imagine this: We are in the Army. I am a private; you are a sergeant. I may be very good at being a private but there are certain boundaries between the ranks than cannot be broached without creating friction - sometimes, a lot of friction. You will be seen as suggesting the sergeant is not doing his job well… or seen as wasting his time. Indeed, this is also an example of traditional management philosophy where withholding information is a form of demonstrating power. Intrusions, suggestions, unnecessary inquiries, et al. are not welcomed. Repeated offenses will result in unpleasant consequences. We don’t want that. To avoid them, focus on being the best private you can be without disturbing your sergeant/roommate/boss/friend’s prerogatives.
5) Here’s a helpful visualization to avoid friction. I am a prisoner; you are my prison guard with the power to arbitrarily punish me. I must do anything you order without question. Speaking without permission may result in punishment. The unspoken rule is: Don’t draw attention to myself. I have lost my rights and any equality. Therefore, anything I say can and will be held against me. Even worse, anything I say can be seen as questioning your authority. Far, far better to answer respectfully and only when spoken to. Attempts at humor will not be appreciated. Can you see how this scenario, applied to your home life, might be a positive step in restoring domestic tranquility?
6) They’re tired. This mode is easiest to visualize because it is a common condition in the real world. Between excess work, excess stress, and excess excesses in many forms, the average person in what Earl Nightengale calls “a golden age”, is chronically tired. Not a medical condition - that comes later after too much of this lifestyle - but a frequent relationship challenge.
Last night, my son came home from football practice exhausted. Happy but utterly drained of energy. But I recognized that he was not going to be very attentive when I wanted to do our piano and English time together. He made a genuine effort, slumped on my bed, but it was obvious that he was mentally exhausted as well. So, I did not push him nor did I berate him.
As Gordon MacQuarrie wrote in The Great Bear Hunt about a similar situation, “There are times in the bush when you do not press a man. If he is tired, it is well understood by the Old Duck Hunters that the tired man must first be taken care of, that no prying questions be shot at him. It is the logical business of first things coming first. In this case it was a matter of getting something into the stomachs of the bear hunters that would make them believe the world was not all weariness.”
My wife has taken on too much. Between housekeeping, mother-keeping, husband- and son-keeping, insisting on shopping and preparing fresh food (almost every day)… on top of her work, it is predictable that she will often be exhausted and irritable. Toss her aspirations to be a Tiger Mom into this volatile cocktail and you can see why I spend a lot of time practicing diplomatic silence, stepping in only when the mother and son discussions about his homework veer toward physical violence.
So, exhausted bear hunters, exhausted kids, or exhausted spouses - or, in general, almost everyone in this hectic Golden Age - deserve a little slack. Give them some space, a little quiet time, maybe something to eat or some hot, soothing caffeine. But recognize that they are doing the best they can with their fuel tanks running on empty. (Besides, this gesture is not completely altruistic. Tomorrow, you may need them to take care of you!)
There, dear readers, you have a set of six simple models that will steer you through most relationship minefields. They are not perfect, of course. If someone - drill instructor, attorney, petulant teenager, or loving spouse - truly wants to have a conflict, it is almost impossible to avoid. In such cases, simply walking away is the wisest option… if it is available.
Summation: How would I act if I knew you were going away tomorrow? What if it were forever? Or, what if I was the one going away tomorrow, perhaps forever? How would I treat you on our last day together? Do those issues really seem so important that you must bicker over them on your last day together? The same questions also apply to cultural differences.
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And, in closing, please go to my Buy Me A Coffee page to express support and gratitude - or at least, support.