You may be the rare exception but, for the vast majority of us, the urge to find a mate (including doing something biological with that mate) is one of the predominate thoughts in our early years - up to age 90 or so. In the recent series of articles about the creation of the Lifetime-Commitment Monogamous marriage by those teenage Neolithic lovers Oogie and Boogie, we saw the origin of that venerable institution. But let’s look a little further back in time, even before Oogie and Boogie. Let’s examine this desperate need to find a mate. For expediency, let’s call it the Oogie/Boogie Imperative.
And how does this relate to the expat experience? As previously noted, regardless of how weird, unattractive, or lumpy you may have been back home, in your new country, you will have the allure of being a foreigner, hence more interesting and valuable - and forgivable - by virtue of your relative rarity. So, the same urges that governed your previous life came along for the ride when you became an expat. (In some cases, acting upon those urges was a primary cause of you becoming an expat… but we won’t go there.)
But, first, a word from my sponsor. (That would be you.) If you are finding any value in this torrent of verbiage - even if only as fluff between your more valuable activities - please make a contribution on my Buy Me A Coffee page:
Your gesture, of any size, will be quick, simple, and hugely appreciated.
******************’
Now, firing up Mr. Peabody’s Wayback Machine…
Anthropologists assure us that, long before domesticated crops and animals, our hunter/gatherer ancestors lived in nomadic tribes, following the wild herds and the seasons to feed themselves. In little groups of thirty to fifty people - large enough to defend themselves but small enough that they didn’t overgraze their territory - everything depended upon the survival of the tribe.
Indeed, the anthropologists go on to assure us that every action of the tribe was evolved - not chosen, evolved - to improve the odds of the tribe surviving. Such behaviors, carried across countless generations, would become part of Oogie and Boogie’s DNA - and that same DNA still influences our behaviors today. Put succinctly, many of the behaviors that we think are voluntary are actually legacies from the Oogie and Boogie era, behaviors that improved the odds of the tribe surviving.
Exhibit A: For most people, especially young ones, being accepted into a group by conforming to the norms of the group is paramount. Gotta be cool, right? The converse, being excluded from a group, is the source of much angst and bad behavior. For Oogie and Boogie, getting kicked out of the tribe was a death sentence, literally. This conforming behavior - essential in their time - remains with us.
Exhibit B: Many older people today complain of poor sleep. Modern man consumes mountains of sleeping pills and other treatments hoping to get better, longer sleep. How can understanding the Oogie and Boogie tribal behaviors explain the cause of the oldsters’ light sleep and waking up frequently throughout the night? Well, let’s go back and observe Oogie and Boogie’s tribe on a typical Neolithic night.
The Number One Principle of Continued Existence is “You gotta sleep sometime, and it helps improve the odds of waking up if you have someone to stand guard over you while you are in dreamland”. Obviously, someone in the tribe had to stay up at night to stand guard duty against surprise attack by animals or human enemies. Alert guards vastly improve the odds of the tribe surviving to produce more children to take the tribe into the next generation... thus perpetuating the tribe. (We are looking for behaviors - like alertness - that ensure the continuation of the tribe. But, any behavior, repeated endlessly, becomes part of our individual DNA.)
Now imagine that you are a Neolithic chieftain, the tribal leader. Who are you going to assign to this vital role of guard? You are aware of cases where failure to stay awake jeopardized the whole tribe. Falling asleep on guard duty is an invitation for disaster. Diligent vigilance is best motivated by a deep understanding of its importance, perhaps even from personal experience. Still thinking like an ancient chieftain, you ask yourself, “Among my little band, who will make the most trustworthy overnight guards?” The obvious answer is the oldest members who may have seen the consequences of the guard falling asleep. You don’t choose the untested, unreliable youngsters to fulfill this vital function; let them sleep. Indeed, being selected for guard duty may become a rite of passage. But, for tonight, choose the older, dependable ones as your guards.
Today, we may not have saber-tooth tigers slinking around outside our caves. Most of us have houses and locked doors that offer us improved levels of protection while we sleep. But a few thousand years of civilization haven’t changed the tribal DNA. A few thousand years is the blink of an eye in evolutionary terms. So, the alertness of the older sentries that allowed Oogie and Boogie’s tribe to survive is what keeps Grandpa awake at night. He is still pulling guard duty even when it is not necessary. This simple thought exercise is an argument to explain the light sleep patterns of older modern humans.
I submit that we can make a similar argument for the drive to find a mate and produce children. If any behavior improves the chances of the tribe surviving into the future, we will keep it and perpetuate it until it becomes part of our individual DNA. If a behavior doesn’t contribute to the survival of the tribe, it doesn’t get passed to the next generation. Survival of the fittest on the tribal level. Can you see where this is going? “Mating to produce new tribe members is good; going solo is bad”. Thus, this urge, now called the Oogie/Boogie Imperative, is no more controllable than Grandpa’s bad sleep.
Whatever increases the odds of the tribe surviving is a good thing and likely to be perpetuated in behaviors until it becomes part of the individual’s DNA. Indeed, this itch was a human trait long before Oogie and Boogie came along. They, too, were simply following the urges of their DNA from countless previous generations.
I can’t speak for you, of course. I’m sure you have never done anything incredibly stupid in the quest for a partner to mate with. But for the rest of us, many of the most tragic and ill-considered decisions we ever made were unconsciously driven by the Oogie/Boogie Imperative. So, it wasn’t really your fault when you made a fool of yourself or put yourself in a dangerous situation while demonstrating your machismo. Blame your great-great-great-grandparents and their tribe’s survival needs.
Let’s look closer at the typical modern youth upon approaching puberty, i.e., old enough to get in trouble. What forces are acting upon this young descendant of Oogie and Boogie? First, of course, is the physical changes as they transition from child to adult. Curiosity is natural under such conditions. Surging hormones make exploration a high priority.
In addition to that biological pressure, there is the force of peer group pressure. The need to feel socially accepted will drive young persons to make choices and take actions that are not based upon pure logic. Don’t ask how I know. For males, this is a trait that goes all the way back to Oogie and his buddies sitting around the campfire, arguing about who was the bravest, strongest, and best hunter. Simply put: If everyone is doing something, there is social pressure for each young member of the group to also do it. It often becomes a rite of passage. When that something involves sex, the pressure is almost irresistible.
On top of this volatile mix of biology and sociology, toss in an ancient drive, the Oogie/Boogie Imperative, which allowed the hunter/gatherer tribes to survive until it became part of our individual DNA. Thus you have several forces converging to form a veritable human lemming. Let the posturing, strutting, and fumbling follies begin!
But such behavior still keeps the tribe surviving and growing. Currently, the total population of the various tribes is about eight billion. (That’s billion with a B.) Looks like the Oogie/Boogie Imperative is alive and well and still taking control of the lives of most of us - even when it is no longer needed. Thus, the next time you hear the Beatles sing, “She’s in love with me and I feel fine”, smile. And if you listen closely, you can hear Oogie and Boogie singing harmony.
****************************’
Your comments are welcomed. The above observations and projections are purely speculative and my justification for some of the incredibly stupid things I did in my youth. (But, to answer your question, it was not why I became an expat later in life.) So your comments are equally likely to contain germs of truth. It’s possible. And, while you are commenting, please consider a small contribution to my coffee fund which is also my son’s college savings account.